[Oz-gifted] Oh, dear! Those Older Children!

[Fly2]

Hi Ellen

It is not always the older children IME. Some of the local lads around 
here have a very rich language and freely use it at the top of their 
voices---some as young as 3.

Except when L announces to Daddy at bath-time, "When some of the Year
Sixes miss the ball, they say 'F***!'"  Hubby told him it was an
extremely rude word and he'd be in serious trouble if we heard him
using it.  A few minutes later, "F***! -- Oops!"

chuckle. It was worth a try to see if Daddy followed through eh? Knowing 
your strong feelings about it probably guarantees he will pop it out now 
and then over the years. can you hear the voice of experience?

  Hubby is kinder  than I am and told him that was his final warning.  
<hand to
forehead>  Those Evil Older Children are corrupting my little boy!

If your child is naturally drawn to older children---his real peers 
possibly---then he will be exposed to a lot of things you might not be 
comfortable with. This is not a problem really if you keep the channels 
of communication open and (parental warning now :-)) don't get too upset 
over it.  The gifted child will pick up on  lack of openness and 
parental stress in an adult very quickly and that *can* be a problem.

FWIW I have found it is better to be open and discuss word use and also 
to ask how they see things, who they see using certain language, where 
etc---of course you know your child best so can judge how much to do 
this and, as others have said, it is best follow their leading and give 
small bits of info and wait for teh next question before giving too much 
info. One of mine wanted in depth chats very early and the other did 
not---not because of level of giftedness,  it was because of the 
personality. The one who likes chats is also very into nature and 
science so it is all very natural to him.

You probably have several reasons for not swearing and your child will 
probably enjoy discussing why you see it that way. If it is laid down as 
a *bad* thing to do --without a good context for him to assess 
situations---he may just see it as a hot button and a way to get 
attention. It may also mean he also is not well equipped to handle it 
when he does find people swearing around him. As a male in our society 
where swearing is common, there will be many times he will have to just 
ignore swearing and to see beyond that to the genuineness and beauty of 
people. In some places swearing is OK, others not.

He will probably very happy to enter into *pacts*  with you and not 
swear in front  of Grandma but may also be mightily interested to see 
how you react around folks who do swear.

One of the local lads in our area has decided we are better to hang out 
with than some of his former friends and he now reprimands other young 
folks if they swear near me . I have never said not to but he has 
noticed I don't.

You also risk setting him up as a judge and jury of his peers if the 
*rule* is too strongly enforced without a wider context. I don't know 
your child but some  GT dc do tend to become *Mr/Ms policeman*.  The 
temptation of a bright spark to correct those around him can be strong 
and not particularly endearing. (voice of experience talking again :-)

L is quite verbally gifted and sooner or later will ask us what That
Word means (we don't swear).  Or something else, like rape.  How have
other people dealt with such questions?

It depends on the child. With one of mine I was more careful to go 
slowly and try to keep him strongly in control of the situation. With 
the other one, I have always been more open and talked in greater depth.

One of mine is a much more sensitive soul and I needed to be careful not 
to burden him---he is prone to existential depression. (see Hoagies)

The other is not so sensitive and I could tell him things earlier and 
more openly and he reports things and seeks  clarification on ideas and 
manners and all sorts of stuff.

WRT subjects like rape, I drew on the story Corrie Ten Boom told in her 
autobiography (a Christian woman who was imprisoned for aiding Jews in 
WW2). When she was young, she asked her Dad what rape was. He was a 
jeweller and he asked her to bring his case of jewellery tools to him. 
She could not lift it because it was too heavy. He explained to her that 
he was older and stronger and he could lift the tool box. In the same 
way, the word and knowledge of rape was  too heavy for her to carry at 
that stage of her life---just like the tool box she needed to be older 
and have the strength to carry it. He promised her he would carry it for 
her until she was old enough to be able to carry the knowledge that went 
with it for herself. When I told my boys this story, they were happy and 
did not question it. As time went on, the *right* time to discuss 
difficult subjects became clear.

When you do  talk about things, don't be surprised if they have all 
sorts of strange tales and erroneous info already. Kids talk a lot about 
*stuff* and they often get it wrong---and it is not just the older 
ones.  We have had some hearty laughs about some of them. Keeping the 
communication open and respectful and trusting is not always easy but so 
important with gt kids who pick up info from so many sources all around 
them.

Furthermore, do parents of gifted children find themselves talking about 
sex to the kids earlier?

Depends on the child.  Also, kids in the country grow up just seeing and 
knowing and any nature study makes it all very natural very early. The 
more relaxed and natural you are the easier it will be to discuss 
things. Knowledge is not a problem, ignorance definitely can be..

I have children who, like yours, mixes most naturally with dc 6-8 years 
older than them so some challenges and some ideas popped up sooner than 
we expected. I have learned a lot about staying *cool* and appearing 
unconcerned. <grin> of course they probably see right through it.

Best wishes
Louise