[Oz-gifted] Oh, dear! Those Older Children!

[Fly2]

> That's a great idea, especially if the adults are prone to dropping a
> Bad Word every now and again (or frequently!).  Much better than the
> hypocritical you-can't-say-it-even-if-I-can line some parents take.
> The main problem I see with the non-ban approach is the development
> of a Potty Mouth habit -- but your approach prevents that.

IME, what you "sow" is what you reap. If the parents rarely swear, 
children tend not to . They might go through stages where they do so for 
various reasons but it is often more that they are working out their own 
set of boundaries ie when and where to use different 
language---sometimes it is to get a reaction but then that means there 
is a different issue to  be sorted out.

I think how a parent reacts  determines how the word is used in the 
future. If for example, the parent sets a *rule* and a punishment 
inflexibly, the child will resort to using the words as a rebellion or 
test in times of conflict. If the parent explains the context and the 
reasons they choose not to swear, and explains which ones they find 
truly offensive, a child has more reason to make good choices and more 
tools for  evaluating social contexts themselves.

The concept of "bad word" is very culturally based and also depends on 
the situation. To some people the word sh** would be offensive in any 
situation, to others  it might be useful working terminology eg a 
plumber.

Bad to me really depends a lot on how it is used. ie if it is mean to 
cause offense, it "can be"  offensive---although whether one takes 
offense  is still a choice. Derogatory words like idiot, stupid etc are 
more offensive to me. If they are used though, it also means there is 
another issue to be sorted out ie conflict between the combatants that 
they might need help in sorting out between themselves.

eg restorative practice
http://www.restorativepractices.org/whatisrp.php
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2005/08/15/1123957981815.html
www.eumsc.vic.edu.au/.../The%20Challenge%20of%20Culture%20Change%20-%20Embedding%20RP%20in%20Schools.
doc
http://www.realjustice.org/library/besselsleigh.html

>> the only words in my house that WILL get a reaction (
>> a HUGE reaction) is stupid and idiot ..... becuase
>> these are words that are designed to HURT people by
>> being mean and attacking someone personally...
>
> We haven't really struck that yet.  One household I know of has the
> "I BEG YOUR PARDON??" approach where the child gets a second chance
> to express himself in a more acceptable way.

Or should the root of the problem be addressed?  Expressing it in a more 
acceptable way is fair enough but finding a way to both talk and listen 
to both resolve the conflict and help the children set their own 
boundaries would be more constructive and longer lasting IMO.

>   Some words, however, merited an immediate soap mouthwash, and I 
> believe "stupid" was one
> of them.

I *never* think a soap mouth wash is the answer. Any solution to 
conflict that warrants parental policing disempowers the child and does 
not help them learn to stand up for themselves, set boundaries  and 
learn resolve conflict constructively so is not a good one IMO.

Louise